My eyes were innocent then. My eyes saw the beauty and the wonder of the world. My heart hoped for goodness and knew that nothing could triumph over the truth. I stand at the precipice of adulthood. My crib lays broken on the rocks below. A tattered and splintered shell of what it once was. Could I ever have predicted this? You knew, before the earth, the choices I would be faced with. You saw my love, which has not dimmed or withered, grow from nothing into purity. Scorched by the fires of demonic voices, that love has only become so much more refined. They asked. My answer is simply, no. No, I could never have seen what was coming when I started this life. Yet with each day and each passing gale, I  glimpse the reality you have placed within me. Unshaken, unbroken, and unafraid, you encourage me to speak the truths aloud. For you, Father, they will stay upon my lips and by you, father, they will stay within my heart.   I love...

There was a moment today when I remembered.  The world outside my eyes slowly dissipated as my vision drifted off to places not long forgotten.  I exhaled as the pressure pushed upon my diaphragm and there I paused.  It was as if my body was considering the coming labor of taking in another breath while still under that weight. “I thought it was healed?” The question, directed at my father, was more rhetorical than an actual question, but he answered it anyway. Though deep wounds may be closed, the scars but faded lines, and the rehab in the past, the truth remains.  Forever a reminder of the road walked and the conflicts which were its mile markers… You still walk with a...

“Joseph’s hand shall close your eyes.” What an incredible promise to a heartbroken, bitter, and cranky old man. Just a few verses later he would say to Pharaoh, “Few and evil have been the days of the years of my life.” While much difficulty did come upon him, God also blessed him. He prepared a plan for Jacob and all of his children and all of his descendants. Jacob’s days were neither few, nor evil. The favor of God had been upon him from birth. This favor continued as Jacob received a tender promise from God. Joseph would never again leave Jacob and would be there until death, by his side. Jacob was offered rest and assurance from God. He was not just spared and given the bare minimum. God promised above and beyond was Jacob deserved and met his most intimate desires. The promise was kept. When in fear after their father’s death, Joseph’s brothers lied to him and attempted to protect themselves from the wrath they were convinced Joseph had towards them. Yet Joseph looked on them with compassion. Why did they fear him? Couldn’t they see that this was all for their good? “Do not fear,...

Face to face with your ghost, I slid down the wall and sat upon the floor, “I think last night you were walking through my dreams and driving my mind in circles.” There together, the room grew quiet and the light from the windows thinned. It was coarse, the feel of the worn stained carpet that stretched to the corners of this house once a home. “Have you come to take me back or can I even know?” It’s not unlike the silence to stay that way until you chose to whisper softly, yet whispers weren’t the reason you were there. You were in my dreams. Face to face with your ghost, I ran my hand across my heart, “How long do you ask me wait here while you invade my mind?” If I walked down that empty hallway and through the broken door, I could find the moon beyond. I could bask in the light reflected from it and see a glimpse of day. Yet, the beat pounding in my ears cannot silence your calling me to remain. “How then do I wait upon your hope?” It’s not the voice you speak in, but the piercing silence that...

Father, you have built me, you have crafted me, and you have shaped my heart and my spirit.  You have designed me and you have seen fit to save me.  Within your will, from my birth, I have been yours.  May I never lose sight that I am yours first and foremost.  Before the foundations of the universe, you had my name declared upon your lips.  As I moved in my mother’s womb, you called my name.  As I took the first steps to walk across the floor and into my mother’s arms, you had already laid the plans that would be my path for this life.  When I walked in the desert sands contemplating my move from the protection of my father’s house, you pointed to the heavens and declared there was no greater purpose than to serve you.  A thousand times upon a thousand times you have reminded me of your grand purpose.  To follow it is life.  There is no purpose of man that is greater than yours.  There is no lie the enemy can shout that your whisper cannot silence. You have built me to walk with you first.  If others chose to walk with...

“Here comes this dreamer. Come now, let us kill him and throw him into one of the pits. Then we will say that a fierce animal has devoured him, and we will see what will become of his dreams.”  Genesis 37:19-20   How often the enemy says this of us and mocks us as “dreamers”. How often he scoffs at the dreams God has given us and determines to see us devoured. How often he casts us into pits of hopelessness and despair meant to extinguish passion. Thankfully, the story doesn’t end in the pit, but in the courts of the palace. God wastes nothing. Pits cannot deter His plans for us. Just when enemy feels victorious, God reveals that his purposes have being accomplished all along and the dark is trampled underfoot.  He gave us dreams and passions and He will see them come to pass. By his power, we will be made servant kings, ruling at His...

Let’s not forget, we need not hurry, Yet we waste no time each time We see each other and exchange Those moments we find the other’s eyes. Let’s not forget, we’re shedding weight Of broken memories that left their scars. It’s not easy letting go of the chains We’ve carried so long upon our hearts.   The demons hide within the lies they whisper Behind the high walls we’ve built around Our minds that were meant to protect us. Let’s find a way to burn them to the ground. For when we resolve to tear into them, They will crumble and the light will break The fears and doubts that have reigned To drive us further into our mistakes.   So sing out to Him your fears of giving up To heal the feeling of heavy, fake, and hollow. We will be free to walk without anxious Hearts wondering what might be tomorrow. The promised dark is not without light Or hope within the nights you cannot sleep. I hear restless prayers echoing, “I believe, But can You help me with my unbelief!”   Sing out with me to cry His name aloud! We are broken no longer, we...

“What if” is the poison of the soul. It’s a lie force fed by the enemy made to make me doubt, afraid, and wallow in my mistakes. For years I heard the lies, “If only you had done this, I would have done what was right.”  For years I’ve been haunted by, “If only I had known…” It’s absurd when written out like this: “If you had done what I wanted, I would not have sinned.” I am learning to let go of the poor choices I made.  They did not cause the sin of another, they own that completely. At the time, the decisions seemed the best I could make. If I could undo some of them I would. Other fights were unwinnable because failure was rigged from the beginning and, in those cases, there’s nothing to undo. Tomorrow I will make new choices and again, try my hardest to follow you, Father, as you lead me step by step into the...

My words, typed and erased a dozen times, cannot express this attempt to say “Thank you”.  Each try is grossly insufficient. Besides a couple Christmas’s in between and few weekend visits, my family and I have been apart for nearly eight years. I’ve spent the last four years trying to salvage a marriage and took drastic steps to do so.  I moved across the country to a state I’ve never been to.  I placed my faith and trust in the people I had never met.  I was not disappointed. I’m good with routines.  It is easy to go without seeing others week after week during the routine.  It is easy to work, go to church, go to small group, and spend the remaining time at home. When alone for long stretches at a time, I get used to it and forget.  But then I spend those late nights with you.  We eat dinner and talk.  I find such joy there.  Upon leaving I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the reality that I’m lonely.  It’s why I stay longer than I should and arrive earlier than planned. You willingly chose to fill the hole left by my best friends and family, each...

She heard the voice of God before.  I remember that.  I remember the moments she told me.  They were few in the end.  They seemed rare.  It was only in the moments of complete desperation that she clung to the rock and was able to hear his words.  All too often though, the words were drowned out by fear, shame, and doubt and she would run and let it go.  With stubborn drive she propelled herself off the chasm into dark folly, all the while convinced that she was able to stop her decent at any moment.  I don’t know if she was waiting to strike the bottom or if she was just trying to see how far she could fall.  It is far more likely that she was convinced rather that the chasm was no chasm at all.  I could see the moment coming when she flung herself beyond the edge.  I pleaded with her to stop running.  She shouted back and said that my words made sense, all the while she picked up speed.  Her words and actions never made sense.  She acknowledged that she was going to destroy herself.  She could even express it in great...

Fires of the Son fall down.  Fires of the Son fall down on me.  Come and burn away the sin, the shame, the brokenness.  Heal me. Find the places hidden in me.  I am sinful. I am fallen.  I need your hand upon me.  Fires of the Son fall down. Fires of the Son fall down on me.  Mighty is the warrior that conquers death and conquers men.  Mighty is the king who heals the shattered souls.  Great is the master who controls the rotation of the galaxies and guides the path of stars.  Fires of the Son fall down on me and purify my...

The ever teacher in her wanted me to learn to tell time by the hands. “If you can learn to read this, I’ll buy you a digital one” she said. It had a red band with black buckle. The face was red with a black frame around the edges. It had other designs on it that allude me with age, but for a child it was the perfect watch. And I did learn to read what the hands meant. I was proud of it. We arrived home from a little league game that night during my first season playing. At that age there really wasn’t much I could offer the team. I’d like to imagine that none of the children did, but some of them were prodigies. They would go on to bigger and better things. I, on the other hand, was content to count the dandelions in left field with my finger comfortably lodged up one nostril or the other. Who were they kidding? No kid my age could hit a baseball to the outfield anyway. I can’t image the game was that enthralling for my parents either. In the age before smartphones and the internet as we...

Father… silence my voice to listen. Father… silence my ego to hear. Father… silence my pride to obey you. Father… silence my stubbornness to let go. Father… silence...

“What are you afraid of?” I’m afraid of not getting the answer that I’m looking for. “What is the answer that you want?” I desire it be the answer I want. “And if you do not get the answer you want?” I will be hurt and dismayed.  I do not wish to be seen as I truly am.  I wish for you to protect my image and give others the sight that you see, for them to see what you are in me, not just the sinful, proud, egotistical man that I am. “Are you afraid you will be rejected otherwise?” Yes. “I see you for who you are and I have not rejected you.  Any that reject you for who you are, even in your fallenness, are not of me. They are not for you.  Any that accept you, and see the truth to speak it, are of me.  They are chosen for you.” Then let them see me for who I am.  Let them see my flaws and my failures so that they can know me and see me made righteous through you.  Let them know me and guide me in that pursuit.  Let them know me...

I’ve been through the fire, you said. I’ve tasted the salts of the deepest mines. I’ve doubted and fallen below the surface of the waters. I’ve been washed by the cold and by the sea. All of my fears were brought out by the storms, exposed in the flashes of light that shook the night. Yet you never wavered and you never faltered. You gaze never broke and your faith never buckled. You continued pursuing that most wondrous of ends. There is nothing that could weaken your resolve to see this cause to its end. Your eyes are on the salvation of all men. My salvation. You lifted me above the water that night. You stood me upright and looked with such depth into my heart. You saw the truth that was hidden behind the walls. You pointed once again to the edge of the horizon. The sun stood there, just minutes above the water. You looked at me with compassion and asked why I doubted. Had it ever withheld before? Had the night ever gone beyond the bounds set in place by the creator? The storms were only temporary, you marveled, and nothing could touch us that was...

The best way to describe it is anxious. Scripture says, “Be anxious for nothing.” That’s just it, I’m anxious and I don’t even know why. I’ve been trying to figure it out for the better part of an hour and I can’t figure out why. I’m quite literally anxious over nothing! My decision was then to go through every detail to figure out why I’m anxious. In fact, I have plenty of reason to be. I can think of ten reasons off the top of my head. Some trivial and superficial and others serious life changing decisions. I considered the trivial as it is the most immediate, but its impact on my condition or on life is non-sequester. Things like my cell phone’s battery going dead make me anxious, but in a far different way. I’m not overly concerned. Yet this is deeper. It’s as if there is a major event coming and I am unprepared, or there is something forgotten whose loss will be catastrophic. As I mull I wonder if there is fear. Is there fear of a coming choice that I have already made or of an event which is beyond my control? I can’t answer...

“Father, I am underwater, ready to fill my lungs and ready to breath deeply in.  I await your hand upon me to lift me up and carry me upon the surface.  Yet it is not time for me to walk atop the waves, instead you have me suspended above the deep, safely protected from the predators that roam beneath me and the tempests that wage above me.  In your kindness you’ve shown me light.  In your grace you’ve shown me tranquility.  In your power you’ve shown me stability.  You have surrounded me with a thousand upon a thousand to call me their confident and their friend.  Though I may be underneath, you are above, calming the storms and preparing the path.  I await, with my breath held tightly for the moment you pluck me from below and restore everything to me.  Give me the patience to not be driven by desperation and physical pain.  Grant me wisdom to be still though my body revolts against the submission I have forced upon it in your name.  Grant me the faith to know with utter certainty that you will pull me when the time is right, yet not before.  Whisper again...