“I need you beside me. I feel so much heaviness and I’m not sure if it’s from you or from my flesh. I am torn by self-doubt and wondering.”
This was how my prayer started. I drove to work in the twilight of the morning and pondered those things. It seems that I am ruled by a fear of guilt and I want to do what is right. Yet somewhere deep in me, whenever I pursue things that could be good or benign, I start to waver. These are usually big decisions. Throughout my life they have been, “Should I move there?”, “Is this the church for me?”, “Should I take that trip?”, “Is that the right college?” or even “Should I date her?” They are always things I desire. My fear comes from a place of wondering whether or not my own wants are drowning out the voice of God. The last thing I want is to be mid-jump only to come to realize that God wasn’t in it to begin with.
So what happens? I start to plan the move and am overcome with fear, doubt, and guilt. I start to question things and it is based on the simple fact that it is what I want. If it were something I didn’t want then it would be easy to hear his voice. It’s usually so directly against my desires that it contrasts against my thoughts and is crystal clear. But what happens when my thoughts are shouting when God speaks? What happens if I’ve hardened my heart against him and am not listening? I want to hear him more than life itself.
“Father… I need you more than your answers – more than your voice. I can’t bare the thought of taking steps without you with me. If I step to the left, yet you do not wish me to the left, pull me back to your side. If it is your will that I step left, walk with me. In these moments when the enemy seeks to cloud my site and deafen my ears, I need you close. I need your quiet voice guiding me.”
Then, that calm quite, a voice of a father reassuring his anxious son pressed against my mind, “I am here.”