“Travis, you deserve to be happy.”
I laughed, but immediately pulled it back, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh.” I shook my head and smiled at her. The look in her eyes was bewildered, “I know that you intended to be kind and encourage me and I’m grateful that you’re my friend.” The amusement in my smile faded and my heart was overcome with compassion for this young girl. “What I’m about to say is going to be stern.”
She nodded an okay to proceed.
“I don’t deserve to be happy. No one deserves anything good. In fact, it’s the lie, ‘I deserve…’ that started all of this. The reality is, the good things we get are gifts. A thing like happiness is a gift from God, not deserved.”
“I guess I understand what you mean.”
I felt like I had just exposed the workings of a magic trick to her. At the same time, her reaction exposed that she already knew the truth. As with most people, the illusion appears much better than reality. “Besides, in spite of how things might look, circumstances wise, my life is very good.” I wanted to reassure her, “I have followed God every step of the way. I asked God for each move and carefully took it. No matter how little I feel, God continually reassures me that he is with me and proud of me. He has directed my steps and I have no shame. I have a family that stands behind me in my obedience. In the end of things, I have gained new friends and new family members and they stand with me. God gave me a great job with wonderful people. He has taken care of me over the past several years.”
“Was that just because of things?”
“No, God was working before everything. He continued to work after them. He will continue to do so long into the future. Just because someone decides to not walk the road God has for them doesn’t mean God changes his plans.”
“I guess I’m not really understanding.”
“Think of it like this: If two people are on a boat in the ocean, the boat being obedience and the current of the water and wind being God’s will, and one jumps out of the boat and swims away, that doesn’t affect where that boat is headed. You see, we both could have had the good things God promised. We both could have reached the beaches of paradise. In fact, that was the intent. But if you grow impatient with the current and jump out of the boat and swim you own way, you will either drown or be lost forever at sea. Now, only one will get that promise and it won’t be fulfilled to the same degree that it could have been.”
“So you still think you’ll get all of the things God promised you?”
“Yes, and they will be pure as gold! God has promised me children, not once, but three times. Now, image if I were like Abraham and took things into my own hands and got a girl pregnant outside of God’s will. I would still have children, but just like Abraham, that child would not be a blessing, but consequence. Just like Abraham, that child’s conception, outside of obedience, could have long lasting and damaging effects. Look at our world now, it suffers so greatly because of that sin! Furthermore, if I got married without consideration for what God would have for me, then the same attempt to do things on my own would have disastrous results.”
“What kind of disastrous things do you think would happen?”
“Well, they could be anything, and thankfully they don’t always have to be. Just because a child would be a consequence of sin, doesn’t mean that God won’t redeem the child. But God often lets you taste your sin so that you won’t so easily forget its bitterness the next time you’re tempted. To go back to the example of the boat, if the water is cold, and you experience the cold, then hopefully you will think twice before jumping out of the boat again. For consequences to be bitter though, they have to be severe.”
“But what does that look like?”
“Well, David in scripture lost his first born child with Bathsheba because of their adultery. And that’s just the start. Because of that adultery, his entire family was thrown into turmoil for generations. We like to think that consequences are a spanking and once their carried out, they’re done and we can move on. Yet that’s not how it works. Some consequences last life times, others last generations. The worst thing we can do though it try to pretend those consequences don’t exist.”
“How would someone do that? Wouldn’t consequences be hard to ignore?”
“In most cases, yeah. But people have an incredible ability to pretend that their rebellion is a good thing. David could have said, ‘But see, Solomon came from Bathsheba, therefore the adultery was really okay and it was God’s will.’ But that’s denial. All that means is that God is willing to take our screw ups and use them to still bring him glory. Isaiah says that God looks for people who are contrite, or remorseful over sin, but if you refuse to be remorseful over sin, and you harden your heart to God, then the consequences will get worse each time. A lot of times this can be seen by someone who doesn’t want to apologize for their sin or they even blame others. David could have blamed God for the death of his child or the war in his family, but he knew that it was his own actions that caused it.”
“How does that fit in your boat?” Her smirk revealed that frustrating nature of this topic. The subject was weighty and she naturally wanted to relieve some of the tension.
I couldn’t help but smile. “What if you were so indignant that you were unwilling to admit that getting out of the boat was wrong or a mistake. You would also be unwilling to admit that being cold and wet were direct consequences for your bad choice. So instead, you might say, ‘If the boat had gone where I wanted, I wouldn’t be freezing right now.’ While that’s true to some degree, it’s not really accurate. The reality is that your being cold is your own fault. You jumped out. What’s even worse, is that after your pride wins and you blame others, you then have to justify your bad decisions and make them appear good. You might be freezing to death or drowning, but at least you’re not in the boat anymore. The boat, obedience, made you unhappy, so you must be happy now that your in the cold water swimming away, right? A lot of times, even if your unhappiness is unbearable, your pride won’t let you admit it to anyone, even yourself. Pride is why you can’t swim back to the boat, pride is why you can’t ask for help, pride is what hardens your heart against the people that love you and against God.”
“What do you mean about people that love you?”
“Don’t forget, if the boat and obedience are the things you were trying to run from, you’ll also need to cut off anyone who is still in the boat just to maintain that level of defiance. This often looks like abandoning good relationships for ones that you know are bad and unhealthy.”
“Someone would do that? Even though they know how bad it is for them?
“Usually you become so calloused in the process that you stop feeling anything at all. You have to just to be able to live with yourself. I guess the cold water part of the analogy works here. Stay in the water long enough and you eventually lose the ability to feel.”
“That’s a horrible way to live. Do people come back from that?”
“Yes! They can. The wonderful thing about all of this is that forgiveness is just a moment away. Turn back to the boat and all of those within it will pull you back up. They will wipe away any shame that you may feel and call you again their companion. The longer you’re in rebellion though, just like the water, the more damage will have been done. You may be back in the boat, but hypothermia, frostbite, dehydration, and many other things will still have to be dealt with. The consequences of your mistake will still be carried with you for years to come. Sometimes amputation is even necessary to save you after such a choice.”
“Wow.” She pondered those words for several minutes and the salad she had started eating now sat untouched. “Is that why forgiveness takes so long?”
I shook my head, “Forgiveness can be immediate and love unconditional, but trust takes a long time to restore. Trust is neither immediate nor unconditional, but it can over time be rebuilt.”
“So…” She trailed off as she tried to formulate the questions, “…your happiness doesn’t matter as long as you stay in the boat?”
I nodded smiled with excitement as she started to understand, “Yes! And the great thing is, your happiness is dependent on the boat. You don’t always realize it, but given enough of time and enough life, you begin to mature enough to see that happiness comes from obedience to God and doing his will. You start to become happy as a result of just being there.”
The topic trailed off slowly, but I could see a light in her eyes coming on as it all was finally making sense. She was beginning to understand the realities of the walk with God and discovering hope in a new way. Yes, I had pulled back the illusion, but she began to realize that, for a believer obedient to the will of Christ and living in intimacy with him, happiness will come easily because it will come out poured from God. One who lives disobediently, will spend life in the pursuit of it, and it will always be just beyond reach.
Thank you, Father, for teaching me to sit patiently in the boat and filling me with your joy in the waiting. While the winds and waves crash about, your current carries me to safe harbor.